Inside I'm Dying
by ilovenutella99
Summary: Clarke and the rest of the group wait back in Camp Jaha for them to return, never knowing if they will. Post 2x09.


The rescue party leaves the next morning, from the Grounder camp. A couple of the other Grounders were open to leading the rescue, since they know the terrain better. Bellamy and Lincoln are underground with the Grounders, discussing their plan. Lincoln will dress as a Reaper and drag Bellamy in as if he's a prisoner. And from there, Lincoln will navigate back into the mountain.

The group emerges and the spectators are silent as they watch the Grounders, Obadiah and Ulla say their quiet goodbyes.

Octavia doesn't hesitate to rush to the only two men she's ever had in her life, her brother and her lover. She embraces Lincoln first, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him tight. He's saying something in her ear, something that is only meant for her. Lincoln gives her a long lasting kiss and Bellamy looks up at the sky tactfully. When Bellamy and Octavia embrace, his eyes shut tightly, and the quiet "I love you Big Brother", and the "I love you Little Sis", is exchanged.

Clarke and Lexa emerge from the Commander's Tent just before the group leaves. Clarke gives the two Grounders a tight nod and then the same for Bellamy and Lincoln. "Good luck." She tells them grimly, normally blue eyes stone-cold and empty. Bellamy gives her a long hard look before shaking his head and following Obadiah and Ulla out of the camp. None of them look back.

Octavia has to turn her face to hide the tears in her eyes.

Raven glances at Clarke, who doesn't even seem to look worried, and heaves a sigh.

Clarke squashes down the feeling of anxiety trying to escape.

_Love is weakness._

* * *

><p>The Arkers and Lexa and her command migrate back to Camp Jaha. It's closer to Mount Weather, and it would be easier for the rescue mission to find if they had to retreat.<br>Before the Grounders even make it into the gate, there are jabs and leering directed towards the Grounders. They take it proudly, however, walking straight ahead, faces blank. "Enough!" Clarke finally shouts, staring her people down with her unseeing eyes. "There has been a peace treaty." The Arker's cheer and whoop and holler before they quiet down again. "We authorized a rescue mission into Mount Weather to rescue our people."

Kane stands next to Abby as Clarke makes her short speech about how the Arker's and Grounder's will have to work together to win this war, to live in peace with one another. "And you said we weren't being led by a child."

Clarke looks up at the transmission tower on the top of Mount Weather and feels a twinge of guilt—

_Love is weakness._

The hours roll into days and soon into one week. Octavia finally loses her calm and storms into the medical tent one day where Clarke is working.

"We haven't heard from them, Clarke."

Clarke concentrates on the needle in front of her. "I'm sure they're fine."

"You don't know that! None of us can know that!" Octavia grits her teeth from shouting at Clarke.

"I'm sure they're fine. They know what they're doing, Octavia." Clarke responds dully.

Octavia clenches her jaw, something that reminds Clarke of her brother. When she speaks, it's as if she's speaking to directly hit Clarke where it hurts. But it just doesn't. "Just because you don't care anymore, doesn't mean that the rest of this camp isn't worried out of their minds. Ulla's sons are starting to get restless. They want to follow them. Obadiah's wife wants to charge into that mountain now. You can't decide how we're supposed to handle this if you don't have any feelings yourself."

And with that, Octavia storms out of the tent, leaving Clarke alone with her wounded patient and a wounded soul.

* * *

><p>The days blur together. Soon, it's reached two weeks with no word.<p>

And then, the unthinkable happens. Clarke and her mother are fixing up a little girl who was running and tripped and scraped her knee when the world suddenly grumbles from beneath them. And about ten seconds later, there's a deafening crash from the outside. Abby picks up the girl and follows Clarke outside to find the Arker's Transmission Tower crumbled to the ground. The Mountain Men caused the small earthquake to take place directly under the transmission tower

Raven and Wick are frantically studying it. Wick grumbles and throws a piece on the ground. "We heard something." Raven tells Clarke while looking down at the wreckage. "A transmission before those bastards blocked the signal and destroyed the bloody thing." Clarke gives her a look as if to say, go on. Raven watches her closely, for any sign of emotion when she replies. "It was Bellamy. Said that the group is in hiding. Obadiah was killed two days back by a stray reaper. They haven't found the 47 yet."

Clarke nods and then shakes her head. "Give them another week. And then we'll send people in after them."

Raven lets out a huff. "Unbelievable." Clarke's starting to walk away when Raven grabs her arm and pulls her back, "You don't have to do this on your own."

The blonde shakes her head. "I have to go back to the medical tent. There're more patients."  
>Clarke lied, there are no more patients. She just needed to get away before her fear could rip out of her.<p>

Octavia finally organizes a rescue mission herself, because clearly Clarke isn't going to do it herself. Clarke has buried herself in her work, _refusing_ to even think about a rescue mission.  
>"Murphy, Raven, Wick. I need to talk to you."<p>

Murphy rolls his eyes. "If this is about going in after your big brother and your stupid boyfriend..." He lets out a breath. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I'm in."

Raven raises her brows. "Why'd you call me over here? I can't walk; I'd just slow us down."

Octavia shakes her head. "No, I need you here. Because that transmission tower went down, Mount Weather will suspect that we don't have any way to contact our people. I need you to rebuild it, but inside the Ark. They wouldn't expect it."

Raven thinks for a moment, the gears turning in her head, before nodding. "Okay. That's not the only reason you're keeping me here though."

Her eyes fall on Clarke who's sitting at one of the tables, staring off into space. "No," Octavia says quietly, "it's not. Keep an eye on her. Don't let her do anything stupid. I don't want her to fall deeper into this 'love is weakness' bullshit strategy that Lexa told her to follow."

"When do we leave?" Wick asks, glancing at Octavia.

"Two days. First light. Raven, I'm gonna need you to turn off the fence for us."

"On it."

* * *

><p>Clarke is sitting with Raven when she finds out. Raven's working on repairing small pieces of the transmitter. Lincoln's voice breaks through the static and both girls fly across the room to one of the parts that Raven has already repaired.<p>

His voice is on repeat. "We found where the 47 are being held. Ulla and I are going in tomorrow to get them. Bellamy disappeared three days back. We don't know where to. If you're sending a rescue mission, now would be a _great_ time to send it." And then it repeats, over and over again. Clarke is in shock.

"We need to send a rescue mission." She says when the transmission's been repeated three times.

"Already did." Raven grits her teeth and waits for the screaming she's about to endure because they didn't tell Clarke. She doesn't get it though. Raven twists in her seat and sees Clarke standing right where she was when the transmission was received, her entire body shaking and paler than she normally is.

Clarke swallows thickly, pushing down the guilt and fear and anxiety building up in her chest. "When?"

"Yesterday morning. Octavia, Wick, Murphy and one of the guards. Jasper's dad, I believe. Not too thrilled about it," Raven admits, thinking about her friends, "but we figured you weren't going to authorize a mission, and they needed help."

Clarke nods and sits next to Raven, grabbing a few random wires of the transmission unit. "Let me help."

The brunette snorts. "Last time you tried to help me, we needed Jasper. Jasper isn't exactly here."

"I want to help." Clarke tells her firmly, looking at the wires. "Show me how."

Raven can't help but think that somehow, Clarke's starting to return to them, slowly but surely, piece by piece.

"What do you _mean_ you authorized a mission?" Abby and Kane both shout at Clarke.

"Technically, it wasn't me... This time." Raven snorts into her hands and has to bite her lip to keep from laughing. _Clarke_ even cracks a smile. Abby softens a bit. That's the first time she's seen her daughter smile since before killing Finn. "It was Octavia, so if you're going to punish anyone punish her."

Now Raven has to leave the room. Clarke can hear her laughing from down the hall.

"Just go," Kane finally says, sending Clarke away.

The two girls find one another back in Wick's machinery room. "What's your problem?" Clarke asks, grinning at her friend.

Raven lets out another gasp of laughter before smiling back. "You haven't made any attempt at humor since before the Grounders attacked us back at the dropship."

Clarke's smile falters momentarily before she straightens up. "I guess you're right. It's just been a hard time." Then she sits back down next to Raven. "C'mon. Let's finish this piece and we'll bring it to the transmitter."

Within the next three days (the day tally has reached at least a month, or so they think, they lost count after twenty-three) Raven has lost hope. There hasn't been a transmission from the Mountain since Lincoln's last one and there's been no movement outside of the walls. Even the Grounders are getting restless for the rescue party to return.

Even Clarke has started her desperate pacing. Raven sets a hand on her shoulder one day after dinner. "I'm sure they're fine." Clarke takes a shaky breath and has to sit down. Raven plops down next to her, but doesn't say anything. Clarke will open up when she's ready.

_Love is not her weakness anymore._

* * *

><p>It's another week before there's a transmission that Raven and Clarke catch. Lincoln's voice, tired and gravely, bursts out through the tiny speakers. "Rescue mission was helpful. Octavia, Murphy and Ulla are getting the remaining 47 out, the ones who are alive." Clarke and Raven exchange looks, and there's real fear in Clarke's eyes. "Me and Wick are going to find Bellamy. Don't have a good feeling about it. Expect the others back in a couple days."<p>

Raven lets out a shaky breath and a sigh of partial relief as Clarke collapses onto the ground, shaking and crying.

"Hey," Raven says, quickly dropping to the floor next to her. "It's okay."

"No," Clarke gasps, crawling to the transmitter and listening to it. Her hands shake as she picks it up. "No, no," her chest heaves, her eyes fill with tears and her chest hurts. Clarke takes deep breaths but can't calm herself down. The anxiety and fear has _finally_ burst out of her and is consuming her entire head and heart. "I can't do this," she chokes out, "no," Clarke cries, tears streaming down her cheeks. "No."

Raven crawls next to her and gives her friend a tight hug. "It's okay, Clarke."

Clarke shakes her head. "He's going to die in there." She forces out through her sobs, "he's going to die b-because of _me_."

Raven rests her cheek on her friends head. Abby and Kane are walking by the room when Abby hears Clarke's unmistakable cries. She bursts into her room with Kane following closely behind.

When Clarke sees her mother, she quickly tries to sober herself up and wipe her face, but it's just impossible. Several weeks' worth of emotions are flooding out of her. Abby drops to the floor and embraces her only daughter, who's now wracked with silent sobs. Kane listens to the transmission and he takes a breath before looking at Raven. He orders her to find someone to be by this thing at all times of the day in case something comes through, but no one heard the orders besides Raven.

"He's going to die," Clarke finally whispers. Her mother's arms cocoon her from the outside world and Abby shakes her head.

"No," Abby replies, stroking her daughter's hair. "He's going to be fine. Just fine." No one's exactly sure who she's talking about, whether it be Finn's memory circling through her or Bellamy's possible death, but they let her be.

_Love is not a weakness._

* * *

><p>Two and half days later, at day break, the group arrives, Octavia and Murphy leading their people home.<p>

Clarke sees them first.

And then she breaks out into a sprint, rushing towards her friends, her family. There aren't many of them, and it _kills_ her on the inside. But she continues pushing forwards. Clarke hears Jasper shout out first.

"It's Clarke! She made it!" She laughs and crashes into the small mob they've formed. Suddenly, there's a chorus of voices, laughing and crying and just _existing_, because in this world, you never know what could suddenly cause an end to all of that.

Jasper watches over Clarke's shoulder the entire time she and her mother perform operations on both Monty, Harper, and the other few that had the bone marrow procedure.

"Thank you," Jasper whispers, giving her a tight hug. Clarke's a little startled at the contact, but then returns the hug gratefully.

"Bellamy?"

Clarke locks her jaw and holds back her fears. "Nothing yet."

Jasper gives her a very odd look before nodding. "He'll be okay. And if not, we're going in after him."

_She is not alone._

* * *

><p>The next week passes painfully slow. Every day that passes is another day that Bellamy could be dead, another day that Lincoln could be dead. Lexa is prepared to go in and fight for them. "If it comes to it." Clarke tells them firmly. "We will <em>not<em> be the ones to start this war. We are _not_ like them."

Lexa huffs and looks at Indra and then speaks in their mysterious tongue. "Our warriors are prepared to fight at your call, Clarke."

The blonde nods and leaves the tent to find chaos in the camp. She catches Miller running by to grab a gun. "What's going on?"

"Mountain men. They're here."

Clarke's eyes fly to the gates. They approach slowly. She squints. They're carrying something. Maybe something to knock them all out. "Get to your post." He rushes by and Clarke hurries towards the gate. Something is weird about these Mountain Men though. They're staggering, as if the wait of the thing they're carrying is pulling them down.

She's about to say something to the Guard about this when Octavia shrieks. "No!" Her voice is frantic and worried and she flings herself in front of one of the guards, pulling his arms down and tugging the gun. "They're not Mountain Men! That's Lincoln!"

"Reveal yourselves!"

Slowly, the Mountain Men pull their hoods off. Lincoln and Wick.

Clarke almost releases a sigh until she realizes who they're holding. Her heart stops when the hood falls off.

He's a Reaper.

* * *

><p>Lincoln and Wick drop him onto the table that held Lincoln during the first few hours after he was turned back from a Reaper. Quickly, they restrain him back just as he starts to wake up.<br>Bellamy thrashes around and around and he screams and he growls and he attempts to break his restraints.

For once in her life, Clarke is unable to do anything except stare at the man in front of her who was willing to die for her. It's worth the risk. Her words from all those weeks ago echo in her head and Clarke can't believe how _stupid_ she was.

"What do we do?" Raven asks her, sitting gently down next to her.

Clarke takes a shaking breath and glances at Bellamy. "Wait for the drug to leave his system." She whispers, "and then save his life."

The next two hours are spent in agony. Octavia has to leave the room because she's crying so much and Lincoln and Wick follow. Abby and Kane moved into the viewing room. Raven's the only one who stays with her. "He's gonna be okay." She tells her, over and over again.

Clarke doesn't leave his side as he screams and thrashes. When he finally calms down a little bit and is subdued, Clarke cleans the blood from his wrists where the metal shackles have dug into his skin and kept him in place. Raven watches closely, watching the healer that's kept them all alive this long fall to pieces.

"I'll be right back." Clarke nods numbly as Bellamy's hands clench again. When she looks up at his face, she doesn't see the familiar smirk or the comforting brown eyes. Instead, she sees and angry snarl, directed at her, and bright red eyes that stare into her soul.

"I'm not gonna let you die." Clarke whispers. "_I can't lose you too_."

Abby enters the room with Kane. "Lincoln thinks that the end of the spell is coming. This means that when it does, we need to be ready to administer CPR and shock him. Okay?"

Clarke nods as the doors open again and Lincoln and Octavia come back in. Octavia gives Clarke a nod.

Raven's seconds behind them, helping Jasper support Monty. "You saved our lives, Clarke." Monty tells her, "you can save his too."

The blonde takes a breath and looks at her mother as the people in the room retreat to the back. Octavia stays right by Clarke. "I'm not going anywhere." Clarke gives Octavia a grateful nod and Octavia squeezes her shoulder tightly.

Without any warning, Bellamy starts thrashing around again and then he's seizing. He's foaming at the mouth and Clarke doesn't think she can do this.

And then — it all stops.

The seizing.

The foaming.

_His heart._

Clarke nearly tackles her mother to get the stun stick.

Everyone watches in blind panic as Clarke presses the stick to Bellamy's chest repeatedly. "_Please_," Clarke finally cries out, before attempting to press it once more, but Abby catches her hand. Clarke looks at her mother fearfully and her mother shakes her head.

"You've hit him five times, Clarke."

"No," her entire being shakes, "no. One more. _One more try_. _Please_." Clarke finally forces out, hot tears streaming down her face. When her mother starts to tell her no, Clarke does it anyways because she's not losing him, _she will not lose him_. Not today, not ever.

With bated breath, Clarke watches as Bellamy's chest moves up and down again. She lets out a sigh of relief before she starts crying again. Clarke's fingers go to his neck to make sure that there's really a heartbeat, and when she feels it, she feels the anxiety and fear and guilt leave her.

His eyes fly open next and Clarke jumps back. But then she looks at him closely. His eyes are no longer red. They're the normal brown. His hands are no longer clenching. No one moves in the room for several seconds.

"Water," hearing his voice makes Clarke's heart crack. "Water." He repeats, and then Abby's jumping up and getting him some from the tap. Octavia helps him drink it before she collapses into the chair next to him.

"I'm okay." He murmurs, blinking hard to focus his vision. Octavia lets out a cry and Lincoln rests his hand on her shoulder.

"You were dead." She says quietly.

Bellamy tries to snort but ends up wincing. "No going anywhere, Little Sis." Octavia lets out a watery laugh and gives him a hug.

Lincoln gives him a nod and Bellamy tips his head as much as he can without there being pain.

Eventually, people start to talk to him. Clarke, however, sneaks from the room without anyone noticing and disappears into the room that she and Raven were in when they would hear the transmissions.

She listens to the last one that was sent over and over again and tries to control her emotions. No such luck, and Monty and Jasper find her there sobbing over a piece of junk.

"Hey," Jasper says, as the two crouch down next to her. They don't know what's happened since they got stuck in that mountain, but they know it's serious. Clarke doesn't break down like this. "He's asking for you."

She shakes her head. "What if he hates me?"

Monty snorts. "After you left he didn't stop asking for you until we decided to come find you."

"But I sent him there," Clarke whispers. "He's gonna hate me."

Jasper shakes his head before hauling her up. "Alright, enough of this. You're going in there whether you like it or not. C'mon."

Clarke struggles for a bit, before finally letting them drag her back. Once there, Monty pushes her in lightly and she finds that she's alone with him. No one's in the viewing room either.

Slowly, Clarke paces towards him and sits lightly on the edge of the chair.

"Clarke," he murmurs, turning his head to face her. "You saved my life."

"I'm also the one that put it in danger. I shouldn't have let you go." Clarke replies, her voice shaking. She _will not_ break down here.

Bellamy shakes his head, but with difficulty. "I'm glad I did. Our people would still be in that mountain."

Clarke takes a shaking breath and looks at the man in front of her. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Saving my life?" Clarke shrugs and drops her head onto the table where he's restrained. She blinks away tears before looking at him.

"For sending you there." Bellamy looks at her and then shakes his head.

"Not your fault. It needed to be done."

Clarke takes a heaving breath and Bellamy can only watch as she wipes the tears from her face. "You were a reaper. A reaper, Bellamy. You wanted to kill everyone in this camp and it was my fault, _it was my fault_." He shakes his head once again but she keeps plowing through her words. "And then your heart stopped and I shocked you so maybe times and you still didn't wake up and I," she lets out a sob, "I thought you were dead."

"Clarke," Bellamy whispers, looking at her, "I'm not dead. I'm not going anywhere."

She lets out a watery sigh. "I can't lose you. I can't."

"And you're not going to." He tells her, seriously.

_Love is not her weakness._

* * *

><p>It's later that night, after everyone's calmed down and been reunited with their families that Bellamy plops down next to Clarke by one of the fires. Clarke raises a brow at him.<p>

"My mom finally release you?"

He nods and hands her a cup of Monty's moonshine. "I think she just got annoyed with me."

Clarke snorts and looks at the fire. "She does that a lot."

"Get annoyed with me?" Clarke knocks her shoulder against his and he grins. "No, I think she let me free cause I'm not Grounder. The shot stays in Grounders longer than us, cause the Grounders survived the radiation and we were in space. At least, that's what Lincoln told her."

Clarke glances over to Lincoln and Octavia at one of the other fires. She knows that Lincoln still feels traces of it sometimes, but is able to calm it.

Clarke takes a sip of her drink before setting it down. "You alright?"

She shrugs. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Clarke looks him over quickly. Aside from the Reaper drug, he's covered in cuts and bruises and burns and scars that will never fade from his skin. "C'mon." Clarke stands.

"Where are we going?"  
>"The medical tent." He groans but follows her back towards the tent. "Sit." She directs him, and he does as he's told, for once in his life.<p>

Clarke finds the antiseptic and starts dabbing at the wounds on his face and neck. The needle marks where they injected the drug into his skin are bright and red and they burn when Clarke wipes them down. Bellamy has to hold onto her shoulder and bite down on his lip.

"I'm sorry it burns," she murmurs, "my mom's trying to find something that won't burn, but the alcohol is the best way to clean it." Bellamy nods and takes a sip of his drink. Clarke frowns at him and he smirks.

"Listen," he murmurs, while she starts to get bandages. "Lexa told me what she told you before I left that morning. Something about love being weakness, I don't know but it seemed like bullshit to me."

Clarke freezes in her work and Bellamy's hands find her waist, pulling her so she's standing in front of him in between his legs. "I'm not mad. I know it was just how you were coping, and I get that. But you have to understand that it did _nothing_ to help you." Clarke has stopped working and is staring shamefully at her hands. "You are way to caring to just stop all emotion. I don't know how you, a doctor, did that. Even when you killed Atom all those weeks ago, you did it in a caring way. You just," Bellamy sighs, "you aren't someone who can just stop caring like that."

"I'm sorry." Clarke repeats, taking a sharp breath. "It seemed like it was the only way."

"I get that." Bellamy muses, forcing her to look at him, "but next time, please, talk to me instead of sending me on a mission that almost guaranteed my death." Clarke lets out a laugh and Bellamy grins. "That _hurt_, Princess."

Clarke gives him a small smile before wrapping her arms around him and giving him a tight hug. This time, he doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her in return. His arms are strong and they make Clarke feel safer than she's felt in weeks. She presses her face into the crook of his neck and one of his hands tangle in her hair. They stay like that for several minutes until Clarke finally speaks up. "I missed you."

Bellamy laughs and pulls away from her. "Missed you too, Princess." And when she laughs he can't stop himself from closing the small gap between them and pressing his lips against hers.

At first, she's too shocked to even respond, but then she quickly fists her hands in his shirt and pulls him closer. Kissing Bellamy is nothing like kissing anyone else. Kissing Finn was frantic and full of need for comfort of the events that had just happened. But kissing Bellamy… is so much different. His kisses are gentle yet strong and they instill such a longing in Clarke she doesn't know what to do with herself.

All of the emotion from the past day seeps out of her into the kiss as Bellamy's large hands wrap around her waist and pull her closer to him. Her stomach flutters when pulls away a bit but immediately obliges when Clarke pulls him back down. Her hands dive into his soft curls and he grumbles into her mouth.

"Now _that's_ something I'd never thought I'd see." A voice breaks them out of their moment of peace and calm. Clarke pulls away from Bellamy slowly and he's pleased to see that she's blushing.

"Very funny, O." Bellamy smirks, wrapping his arms around Clarke again. She grins and bites her lip before burying her face in his shoulder.

Octavia gives Bellamy a pointed look and he rolls his eyes. "They want you out here, something about congratulating you."

He nods. "We'll be out in a minute."

"Hurry it up, _lovebirds_." Octavia chortles before leaving the tent.

Bellamy laughs and hops off of the medical table. "C'mon." They're about to leave the tent when Clarke tugs on his shirt hem. He raises a brow.

"We're in this together."

Bellamy nods and dips his head to kiss her again, and when Clarke tries to keep him there, he grins. "Together."

_Love is not weakness._

_Love is strength._

* * *

><p>I wrote this on request of clarkamybriffins on Tumblr and I hope y'all like it.<p> 


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